The electric kettle felt uneasy at the crime scene. Hours earlier he was proudly reporting to the mayor that appliance-on-appliance crime was at a record low in the kitchen. He was unusually cocky during the meeting, now as he looked at the egg timer lying on his side, he was getting the taste of crow in his spout.
“OK! I need everyone to move back, this is a crime scene!” barked the juicer. As the electric kettle’s only deputy, he was easily excited over actual crime in the small kitchen. He gestured to a gathering crowd of appliances quietly gawking at the carnage.
Noticing his gruff demeanor, the electric kettle calmly told the juicer, ”take it easy, Juicer. Just keep them away from any potential evidence.”
“You got it, Constable,” replied the eager juicer.
Turning his attention back to the egg timer, the electric kettle cleared his spout and began to inquire, ”so what can you tell me Salad Spinner. How do you know it’s murder?”
The soft spoken salad spinner carefully approached the egg timer and began to deliver his report, “well, let me start with his cause of death, his winding spring has been severely damaged. This can sometimes be a manufacturer’s defect, but since he has been my patient since he arrived in the kitchen three years ago, I can definitively rule this out.”
“Not to second guess you Salad Spinner, but we haven’t had a murder in the kitchen since the panini press went crazy and killed the bread machine. So are you sure this wasn’t an accident?” asked the electric kettle.
Unfazed by the question, the salad spinner responded, “I’m afraid not. Even a first year salad spinner would have been able to make such a diagnosis. No this damage was caused intentionally.”
“So, how did it happen?” inquired the puzzled electric kettle.
The salad spinner paused and looked directly at the electric kettle and said, “he was wound counterclockwise.”
The normally unshakable electric kettle turned his attention to the egg timer and let out a sigh and simply said, “that’s barbaric.”
“It is,” replied the salad spinner, “whoever did this wanted to cause the egg timer a tremendous amount of pain before he died.” The salad spinner moved away from the egg timer and approached the electric kettle presenting a small partially popped popcorn kernel, ”I found this under him.”
Examining the kernel, the electric kettle made some observations. ”It’s not microwave corn.” After taking a whiff of the kernel the electric kettle declared, “it’s air popped.” Still contemplating the evidence, the electric kettle turned around to face the gathering crowd and there he was, the popcorn maker.
The popcorn maker’s backstory was common knowledge in the kitchen. He was found at a local garage sale next to some scratched teflon pans. He was clearly neglected. His cord was frayed and wrapped in electrical tape and a large crack on his casing exposed his inner plastic frame. His on/off switch had become loose and had to be jiggled to be activated. Everyone knew he had issues, there were even rumors amongst the other appliances that some of his seemingly ordinary wear and tear was self-inflicted.
While still keeping an eye on the popcorn maker who was nervously watching with the other appliances, the electric kettle walked over to the juicer and said, ”We need to take the popcorn maker into custody, but…”
Before the electric kettle could finish his sentence, the juicer pointed at the popcorn maker and shouted, “Hey! You!”
The popcorn maker panicked and darted from the crowd towards the pantry. The juicer pushed through the crowd, knocking over a pepper mill in the process. Meanwhile the electric kettle flanked the popcorn maker by jumping over a rolling pin. After a quick pursuit the electric kettle cornered the popcorn maker near the fridge. Out of breath, the beleaguered electric kettle huffed, “give it up, you’re out of options.”
Realizing his inescapable situation, the popcorn maker quietly surrendered to the electric kettle. As the tension from the moment subsided, the juicer arrived and started to chastise the clearly terrified popcorn maker, “thought you could get away, didn’t ya?”
“Just take him to the lazy susan for questioning,” said the electric kettle. ”I’m going to inform the Mayor of our progress,” said the electric kettle as he turned his back from the popcorn maker and juicer and began his journey back to the crime scene.
As the electric kettle approached the scene, he noticed the crowd had become more animated and talkative. He couldn’t quite figure out what the new commotion was about until he finally pushed his way through the crowd only to discover a civilian standing in middle of his crime scene. It was the egg timer’s wife, the immersion blender, and she was nothing but trouble.